Sleeping With Sirens

My husband is a terrible sleeper. Starting off, his snoring is uniquely awful. It’s the cross between heavy breathing, and a gurgling within his throat/nostrils. He has a deviated septum, and it’s killing me. I have to constantly tell him to roll over on his side, away from me. And, not to mention a fan going full blast to block out some of the noise. Now, I’m a light sleeper. A very light sleeper. Additionally Tom talks in his sleep. Sometimes in gibberish. It startles me awake, and I just have to coax him to just lay back down and go the eff to sleep!

Like, last night. He starts off with some gibberish. It can be entertaining at times, so I asked him, “What?”

“Caldwell’s bringing it back.”
“Who’s Caldwell?”
“The dog.”

We don’t have a dog named Caldwell…

“Uh, what is he bringing back?”

“My rifle, from the mountain.”

“The dog is bringing you back your rifle?” Seems accurate.

“Yeah, from the house.” I thought from the mountain?

“We’re in the house…”

“I don’t know.”
“No. WE ARE in the house, not where.”

Confused look, and back to sleep.

 Sometimes, it’s worse.

For example, the other night he jumped out of bed hunched over and ran into the bathroom. First thought that comes to mind? He’s going to blow chunks all over my bathroom. Nope. He runs to the sink, and frantically runs his hands through his hair brushing whatever it was into the sink…

“WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM!?”

“Uhhh… What?”
“The spiders. Where did you put the spiders?!” Huge question marks are circling over my head.

“What… Spiders…?”

“The ones from the antlers!” Huh?
(9 times out of 10 all of his dreams are about hunting/guns.)

“There are no spiders. Come back to bed.”
“There aren’t?”

“No.”
He shuffles back to bed and lays down. I’m just laying here like WTF just happened.

“What did you have a dream about?”

“I was cleaning antlers off and spiders started running all over me.”

Cue snoring. End scene.

(HA HA, now do you see what I did there for the title? Clever I am.)

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