When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't have been more happy. I was so excited, I cried happy tears and couldn't wait to tell Tom and our families. We prayed for this child. This child was perfect timing. The age gap was ideal, the time of year for me being pregnant was perfect. It seemed like everything was going exactly as planned.
I was sick for the first couple weeks after finding out. But, I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't pregnant after that. After my first appointment at 8 weeks, I wasn't sick anymore. I didn't crave anything anymore. I didn't feel pregnant. I was scared from the very beginning. I had recently known people who had lost their pregnancies, and I was so terrified of that happening to me. But, I tried to keep positive and just told myself that I was lucky!
At about 11 weeks I started lightly bleeding. I was at work and when I saw it I immediately burst into tears. My worst fears were coming to light, and I wasn't prepared for the emotional rollercoaster I was involuntarily strapped into. I left that day and called my doctor's office. They assured me that it sounded fairly normal, so I proceeded with caution and was taking it easy until my appointment next week.
It took about 3 weeks to pass the baby. It was painful in all sense of the word. My body was in agony, my heart in shreds. I ended up going to the hospital here because I didn't know what was wrong. I was in so much pain, and my bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. I ended up passing the baby the next night. It was traumatizing for me. I was alone because Tom was working nights and Hunter was sleeping in my bed. I wanted to scream in pain but couldn't in fear of waking up my precious boy. I can remember that night like it was yesterday. I can't begin to explain the amount of misery yet relief I felt.
October 11, 2017, the day we received the news, will be a day I forever mourn. And, I can only imagine the sadness I will feel on April 21, 2018 when my due date arrives. I never realized the true pain I would go through. I will forever be scared during any future pregnancy. I will forever wonder what that child would have been like. Were they a boy or girl? Would they grow up to be an athlete or a scholar? Would they go to college? Would they be an artist or a dancer? "You can always have another one" has been so painful to hear, as if it would make it better. It didn't, I wanted that baby. My miscarriage was probably the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I will never be the same person or mother. I hold Hunter a little bit tighter, I appreciate him a little bit more, and I will do the same for my future children.
I carried you only for a moment, but I will love you for a lifetime.
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